Psalm 90: King David’s existential crisis

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Welcome to King David’s existential crisis. This psalm is one of the first Palms I wrote my translation and commentaries for. This prayer for Moses allows King David to explore his reality through Moses’s experience. While the prayer is dedicated to Moses, it is actually directed to G-d, and for G-d’s ability to use Moses as ‘his tool’ - a vessel to bring miracles into our world. Thus, the Psalm starts not with a discussion of Moses’s actions, but with a reflection on the creation of the world. At the end, David circles back to the theme of creation by using the word “ויהי” let there be - as the base for his closing prayer; once more highlighting to us that this Psalm is written in the greater context of contemplation of what our role is in creation, in the world. 

This Psalm discusses the immense challenge we all go through when we are broken down by depression and mental challenges - while providing the framework of how to look past this pain and return to strength through strengthening our belief in G-d and the Divine story that Moses wrote down for us. The cry to G-d “Return to me, G-d, how long?” echoes through time and resonates with the experience of depression and suicidal ideations through long hard nights of loneliness and pain. 

We can read King David's call for Teshuva, a return to our soul and faith, as the initial necessity to be able to heal and face the challenging demands of life: “You will settle mortal men until depression and say: “Return as humans [as sons of Adam].” In this we can hear David telling us how G-d brings us to our knees, breaks us, presses on our soul until we are depressed - and only then we can fully return to life in its purest form, as Adam was created.

King David explores the themes of day and night, waking up in contradiction to depression and sleep. Time warps and passes differently when contemplating G-d’s eternal presence, and it stretches when we experience depression. The tension between these different states is brought forth throughout this Psalm: “For a thousand years in Your eyes only just passed as yesterday did.” At night “their sleep will be like a flowing stream” but we need not worry, according to David, for “in the morning, like grass it will come anew.”

This Psalm teaches us that every day we wake up fresh and with all the negativity our soul experiences in our world, by the time the evening comes, it withers. However, at night, G-d watches over us and lets our pain and hurt flow out of us like a flowing stream of Living-waters, carrying with it all our pains away. Ultimately, King David reflects on the fact that everything is changing; day and night, past and future, depression and awe. And it is all manageable to deal with if we remember to be like Moses - to find the role we have to play in the grander scheme of G-d’s creation.

At the end, King David pleads with G-d: “Allow our servants to see Your actions and Your splendor will come upon their children.” He says; please let me see how You turn my pain and depression into happiness and joy, so I can see the beauty and magnificence of You, G-d, and Your light will shine and give riches not to me, but to my children - to the next generation. I ask You G-d, please help me, if not for my sake, for the sake of my children.” This plea is one many who feel like they have hit rock bottom can relate to; even if I am not worthy of saving, please G-d, help me so I can help others - my children, the family, community, country - You will not be saving me for me. I acknowledge I am a lost cause that is beyond saving. Save me for what I can still contribute to the world You created, so that I can better set it up for the following generations. It is in the depth of such broken, in the pain of such a plea, that the strength and courage of G-d prevails and starts illuminating our path out of the pain. 

תְּפִלָּה֮ לְמֹשֶׁ֪ה אִֽישׁ־הָאֱלֹ֫קים אֲ‍ֽדֹנָ֗י מָע֣וֹן אַ֭תָּה הָיִ֥יתָ לָּ֗נוּ בְּדֹ֣ר וָדֹֽר׃

A prayer for Moses the of G-d. 

Lord You are our shelter, as You were in each generation and generation. 

בְּטֶ֤רֶם ׀ הָ֘רִ֤ים יֻלָּ֗דוּ וַתְּח֣וֹלֵֽל אֶ֣רֶץ וְתֵבֵ֑ל וּֽמֵעוֹלָ֥ם עַד־ע֝וֹלָ֗ם אַתָּ֥ה אֵֽל׃

Before the mountains were birthers and land and the universe came into being,

And from eternity to infinity You are G-d.

תָּשֵׁ֣ב אֱ֭נוֹשׁ עַד־דַּכָּ֑א וַ֝תֹּ֗אמֶר שׁ֣וּבוּ בְנֵי־אָדָֽם׃

You will settle mortal men until depression and say:

“Return as humans [as sons of Adam]”

כִּ֤י אֶ֪לֶף שָׁנִ֡ים בְּֽעֵינֶ֗יךָ כְּי֣וֹם אֶ֭תְמוֹל כִּ֣י יַעֲבֹ֑ר וְאַשְׁמוּרָ֥ה בַלָּֽיְלָה׃

For a thousand years in Your eyes only just passed as yesterday did. 

And You keep [safeguard] our days at night.

זְ֭רַמְתָּם שֵׁנָ֣ה יִהְי֑וּ בַּ֝בֹּ֗קֶר כֶּחָצִ֥יר יַחֲלֹֽף׃

Their sleep will be like a flowing stream.

In the morning, like grass it will come anew.

בַּ֭בֹּקֶר יָצִ֣יץ וְחָלָ֑ף לָ֝עֶ֗רֶב יְמוֹלֵ֥ל וְיָבֵֽשׁ׃

In the morning we sprout,

and as time passes towards the evening we will wither and dry. 

כִּֽי־כָלִ֥ינוּ בְאַפֶּ֑ךָ וּֽבַחֲמָתְךָ֥ נִבְהָֽלְנוּ׃

For we are engrossed in Your anger and in Your wrath we become petrified.

שת עֲוֺנֹתֵ֣ינוּ לְנֶגְדֶּ֑ךָ עֲ֝לֻמֵ֗נוּ לִמְא֥וֹר פָּנֶֽיךָ׃

At night, You see our misdeeds thirsting

to wash clean our hidden secrets of our soul before Your light.

כִּ֣י כָל־יָ֭מֵינוּ פָּנ֣וּ בְעֶבְרָתֶ֑ךָ כִּלִּ֖ינוּ שָׁנֵ֣ינוּ כְמוֹ־הֶֽגֶה׃

For all our days turned to Your devolving,

We spent our years as if in meditation. 

יְמֵֽי־שְׁנוֹתֵ֨ינוּ בָהֶ֥ם שִׁבְעִ֪ים שָׁנָ֡ה וְאִ֤ם בִּגְבוּרֹ֨ת ׀ שְׁמ֘וֹנִ֤ים שָׁנָ֗ה וְ֭רָהְבָּם עָמָ֣ל וָאָ֑וֶן כִּי־גָ֥ז חִ֝֗ישׁ וַנָּעֻֽפָה׃

The days of our life have 70 years,

And if we have courage, 80 years,

And their arrogance is exertion and vanity,

We will be sheared in haste and we will soar.

מִֽי־י֭וֹדֵעַ עֹ֣ז אַפֶּ֑ךָ וּ֝כְיִרְאָתְךָ֗ עֶבְרָתֶֽךָ׃

Who knows the intensity of Your rage?

To the degree of Your awe’s power, as too You let Your might pass.

לִמְנ֣וֹת יָ֭מֵינוּ כֵּ֣ן הוֹדַ֑ע וְ֝נָבִ֗א לְבַ֣ב חָכְמָֽה׃

Advise us how to make our days count[teach us how to live in the moment]

And give us prophecy that will fill our hearts with wisdom

[give us a vision that will help us push through these hard times].

שׁוּבָ֣ה ה’ עַד־מָתָ֑י וְ֝הִנָּחֵ֗ם עַל־עֲבָדֶֽיךָ׃

Return to me, G-d, how long?

And bring comfort to Your servant. 

שַׂבְּעֵ֣נוּ בַבֹּ֣קֶר חַסְדֶּ֑ךָ וּֽנְרַנְּנָ֥ה וְ֝נִשְׂמְחָ֗ה בְּכָל־יָמֵֽינוּ׃

Fill me up in the morning with Your loving-kindness,

And we will sing and rejoice in all our days. 

שַׂ֭מְּחֵנוּ כִּימ֣וֹת עִנִּיתָ֑נוּ שְׁ֝נ֗וֹת רָאִ֥ינוּ רָעָֽה׃

Bring us joy as Your brought suffering; years we saw owe.

יֵרָאֶ֣ה אֶל־עֲבָדֶ֣יךָ פָעֳלֶ֑ךָ וַ֝הֲדָרְךָ֗ עַל־בְּנֵיהֶֽם׃

Allow our servants to see Your actions

And Your splendor will come upon their children. 

וִיהִ֤י ׀ נֹ֤עַם ה’ אֱלֹקינוּ עָ֫לֵ֥ינוּ וּמַעֲשֵׂ֣ה יָ֭דֵינוּ כּוֹנְנָ֥ה עָלֵ֑ינוּ וּֽמַעֲשֵׂ֥ה יָ֝דֵ֗ינוּ כּוֹנְנֵֽהוּ׃

Let there be that the loving pleasantness of our G-d will rest upon us,

And the deeds of our hands tune in for us,

And the deeds of our hands You will attune.